Serenity's Prayer

It's been a long time, been a long time, been a long lonely lonely time

2005-10-17T20:53:00.000-07:00

~Jimmy Page wailing in the background while Robert Plant is gyrating in too tight hip huggers way stoned outta his gord~ Yes it has been a long time since I have updated. Things just get away from me sometimes and I beat myself up for things that I really don't need to. So I will get us up to date tout sweet!

1-Taking the Paxil squashes my creativity, I mean it just runs dry. It is like feeling depressed anyway. You know, when you were doing something you enjoy and then just stop it like you were never doing it in the first place? That is what it is like for me. I don't know if others have that problem. I was watching "Prozac Nation" and when the main character, who is a writer with block and depression, takes Prozac she is able to write again. It pissed me off! But I have been messing around with the dossage. Right now I am only taking 5mg a day. Just enough to take the edge off so I am not yelling and acting like a witch or crying uncontrollably like a baby. And I do have some interesting ideas for some jewelry....but more on that later.

2- My brother is living with my Dad. This is great for me because I don't have to worry about either one of them. My brother claims he is trying to get my dad to be a part of my life, but that ship has sailed. If he is interested in my brother, then just go with that. My dad doesn't even bother to find out about me, what I am like, etc. He has no desire to know me or my family. But I do have to have a talk with him about Rhone. I noticed the way Rhone was treating him and he has fallen back into his old Rhone ways, back before our mom died. My brother is not looking to have his own life. Dad is taking care of him now. So I am gonna tell Dad that he is traveling a very dangerous trail and if he values his own sanity he will want to get Rhone out soon. The only problem is that if that happens, Rhone is back on my doorstep. Uhhhhhggg!!

3- Keith and my relationship is going pretty well. We haven't been taking our frustrations out on each other. We have been doing a lot of talking about us. We have actually been spending more time together than just our daily lovely lymphy leg time. Keith is a musician. He basically records everything he does and calls them songs. Hey what am I to say about art? I 100% support artists and their means of expression. Maybe it isn't what i would listen to, but it is gonna resinate with someone. So he found this site called CD BABY and decided he would put out his stuff. Good for him! I told him that since he doesn't gig that to draw people to his music he would need a site where they could hear his stuff. So I am in the process of making a site for him, see RobertBlast.com . So I have become sort of like his manager. Basically I keep his spirits up and teach him how to stay positive. You may be wondering how "I" can do that. I wonder that myself but I see it as a job and I just do it. And I like to help other people and he does need to develope a better attitude.

4- My beloved Grandma died October 3, 2005. She had a massive heart attack and survived 3 days in a vegetative state before she just just left.I was happy that I got to say goodbye before she crossed over, I didn't get to with my mom. The funeral had all my family there, even my dad. Here is a picture, that's me on the broken uncomfortable wheelchair, the handsome young man in the suit is my son, and the man behind me is my dad. It was good seeing the aunts and uncles and cousins. I couldn't go to the get together afterwards because my cousin's house has too many stairs for me to climb with a wheelchair. But I think my Grandma had something to do with #5 below. Love you grandma!

5- After being denied my wheelchair and being frustrated with just the daily goings on of lymphadema I joined some email groups online. I wrote about my frustration and hopeless feelings. I was amazed at the kindness and support that I recieved from my writing. It is good to know there are others who deal day to day with the same things I am. Some are much worse than I and I feel for them. Getting the daily emails from them is a source of solace and I have met some wonderful people. There is a woman who is a casemanager who is helping me try and get a wheelchair by her knowlege of "the system". And the most wonderful thing has happened! I was contacted by Chrissy, one of the three singers from the Christian pop band, ZOEGirl. She has lymphadema in her foot/ankle and was moved my by story. She and the other girls offered to have a fund-raiser for me so that I could get a power wheelchair!! I just can't believe that! No one has ever done anything remotely like this! And this is where I think my Grandma had a hand in it. She knew how depressed and in pain I was and was upset that she couldn't help. So maybe she helped me find my way to this woman, or vice versa. Or maybe as Keith said, "Maybe she had a talk with God".

6- Lastly, the on going battle with my weight and my doctor. She "hopes for my sake" that I have diabetes so that I might be a candidate for gastric bypass surgery. I think it is horrible to hope for someone to have a life threatening illnesss. Yes I know what she means. It is just her way, that's what she says. She is rude. I have rashes all over my body and a horrible thing under my belly and she doesn't care. She just wants me to get labs to see if I have diabetes. Well I am doing what she wants. If I can the surgery that would be great, but I am not holding my breath. If after I have my tests I will see what to do next. If she doesn't request the surgery I will find a new doctor, well I will probably get a new HMO. If she does request and it doesn't get approved then I will get a new HMO. No more screwing around with her. I have tried to be nice. I have tried time after time to just turn the other cheek, I have no cheeks left.

Well that is it. YOu are updated. Interesting huh?

Strange Day Update

2005-08-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

Well it is day 2 of the strange event and Keith is still acting different. He is acting more himself, but different. He told me work wasn't as hard as it normally was and he used the energy not his muscles to move (he is a janitor and cleans a couple buildings). He told me he still wasn't worrying about things. This is good. He realized how much energy he wasted just worrying.

I am so proud of him. It is things like this that people get that they call some sort of spiritual awakening. I don't know exactly what Keith considers it because he has been working on this for many years, at least since he met me because I was the one that got him into the spirtual stuff. But he is so beautiful when he is like this and I find it so attractive and can't help but paw all over him, and he doesn't seem to mind when I do.

One thing that sucks is that I am back on my Paxil. I got fed up with the yelling and the crying all the time. It isn't fair for my hubby and son for me to be that way just because my brain chemicals are all mixed up. Being on Paxil is just very calming for me. But it really takes me away from myself. And it was one of the reasons why I hadn't had any pleasure in so long, it just takes that part of myself out. I can't experience pleasure and that sucks. But Keith was talking about me not being on the Paxil and trying to change my brain chemistry through meditation.

I know where he is coming from I have thought of that. I used to really be into that, but with my current state I have just sort of given up things. I was thinking though, that maybe this is my wakeup call to do the things that I need to do. I know doctors and medicine don't cure people, your body cures itself. I know this. I need to allow my body to heal and to create new ways for it to function.

I just feel like I want to do this for Keith. He spends so much time taking care of me. I love him so much I want him to be happy. I also think just a couple of years down the road, Forrest will be going to college and it will just be Keith and I. Alone again, just like before we had our son.

What will we do then? We've never talked about it. I want to do things together, cuz we really didn't do much when we first met. He is such and active guy and I want to do what he wants to do. I have to get my body up to par for that.

So that means I gotta get going. I gotta stop waiting for other people to do things for me and do it myself. I am the only one that can change things, no one else.

Strange Day

2005-08-17T15:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, just sometimes strange things will happen and shake up my otherwise boring ass day. Today is just one of those days.

Everyday is the same: My hubby wakes up, then he wakes up my son who wakes me up while my hubby begins doing his centering ritual and yoga. When he is done he then comes in and unwraps my legs so I can air them out for a bit before he wraps them back up.

But this morning when he came in to unwrap my legs it was difference. Instead of quickly pulling off the wraps he gently lifted off the tape and began to wind the wraps slowly around my legs. "Something is different" I say to myself. Looking at him I notice he is kinda "aura"-y and his energy is vibrating. He looks up at me and smiles and then looks down again. I ask him what is wrong and he says nothing, then gives me his guilty laugh...he's a terrible lier.

I ask him again, all the sudden images of him having sex with another woman pops into my mind and I start thinking about how horrible it would be if he left me and..."How do I feel?" he asks. I tell him that he feels vibraty. He tells me that when he was doing his centering ritual that he somehow hit upon an energy vortex. He could feel the energy coming through the floor and the ceiling and all around him. He was stuck in the position (arms straight out from the sides) with the energy intensifying continually until Forrest came in and pushed on his arm to break the connection.

He told me that he felt different. I said yeah you are really vibrating. He said not only that but the feelings he has is different. He is no longer worrying about things, that is just gone. His hatred had been melted away. And I could feel that too.

He held his hands about 1 foot apart and asked me to stick my hand in the center. I did and immediately felt what he did. My hand felt as though I had stuck it into a hornets net and the vibrations were traveling up my arm. The feeling was so intense I couldn't move my hand! We had to call Forrest in to break the connection again. I believed him! It was a strange and fascinating thing that had happend.What also was weird was that he was cold. His body was extremely cold to the touch, yet he didn't feel cold on the inside.

So after I got up and went into the other room for him to finish doing my legs he joined me. This is a process that takes mabey 1 hour to do, but today it took much longer. He was so gentle in cleaning my legs, usually he is rough and going so quickly and it hurts because my legs are very open with sores all over them. But he lovingly carressed them with soothing warm water asking me if I was hurting. I told him no. I began to feel feelings inside stirring around.

Then when he was putting on my creams he told me I could put my leg on his hip and I looked at him on the ground and he looked so beautiful! He was glowing and he was being gentle and loving with me and my heart just filled up. It was like the Grinch when his heart grew 3 times it's size.

I told him he was beautiful and he smiled at me. He told me that my energy was good today also. He said it is probably because Forrest and I are so sensitive and we mimic other peoples moods. I told him yes we do, that is why his negativity affects us because it isn't only he who feels the negativity. He said he understands now and he doesnt' feel the negativity (which he calls a sharp knife point) any more.

He then goes on to talk about different women he was with when he was younger and how they just didn't go together but how we did. He understands "us" more.All this was so much for me. After he got done with my legs, which took 3 hours (before he would have totally bitched and moaned about the fact that it took sooo long) he left to pick me up my recliner.

I am writing this while he is gone. I am hoping that he is the same when he gets back. I want to just hold him and not let him go. I want to just feel that energy and be with him like we used to. I asked him if he remembered when we first met how we would just lay in bed for hours talking and doing what-not. He said he did. He said it was fun and we didn't have any money to do anything else. It also brought about Forrest. We laughed.

So I will have to see how long this energy effects him. The way he feels right now is similar to a time many years ago when he took anti-depressants. He was so good then. He couldn't handle the side effects, but I couldn't handle him without him being on it. It felt very unfair. I saw the good side of him when he was on it. Then him not being on it was like dealing with the devil. That is why I am weary of this, I know what it is like to be let down after the goodness goes away. I don't know I he can get it back.

My first win!!

2005-08-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

This is awesome! This is the first win that I have had on my designs! Third place, but a win! I win a free years subscription to Bead&Button Magazine.

I use a beading program called BeadTool

It's a great pattern maker to use. It is really easy to use. I have heard of beaders using other programs and having a really hard time because it is so complicated. This is not so with BeadTool.

You know me, I am a point and click kind of gal. And that is exactly how you use this program. And if you have any problems, there is awesome tech support.

The best thing about this program is the price, only $19.95! Under $20! It's a steal! You know me, I don't have any money. So whatever I can get for cheap, I will get. But don't get me wrong, the prgram isn't at all cheap, just the price.

The creator of BeadTool is one of the nicest guys you will meet. Chirstopher will field every question himself, and quickly. There is also an online community of BeadTool users where you can ask questions, post pictures of your new patterns and just talk. Everybody is nice and helpful.

I would highly recomend BeadTool if you are new to beading and want a simple but powerful bead pattern program. No, I am not being paid by Christopher. LOL! WEll, I guess I am. I am getting a free mag subscription!

Bracelet Pattern © Jamica Fletcher-Cain 2005
You may not use this work for personal or commercial purposes.
You may not alter, transform, or build upon this work.
Any of these conditions can be waived if you get permission from the copyright holder at j_fletchercain@yahoo.com

Get your politics on

2005-08-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

by visiting some of these sites.Enjoy!

Artists I admire

2005-08-11T19:23:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of months I have been very inspired to create. I cannot draw or paint. I can do beadwork. I have been working on some pieces I will show here soon. While reading Beadwork magazine I came upon Joan Babcock

She creates awesome works of wearable art using a form of macrame called "Cavandoli" or tapestry knotting. At first I thought it was beads, untill I looked closer and realized it was knots! Wow! I have become inspired to do this also. When I was 8 I took macrame classes. yes I made ugly plant holders and the requesit owl.

Googling for cavandoli doesn't really bring up much, but micro-macrame does. I guess it is a term meaning "no ugly 60's knotted curtains". It is more used for jewelry which is what I will be using it for. Now all I need is something to knot.

Picture© Joan Babcock

When the moon is in the second house and jupiter aligns with mars

2005-08-11T18:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah I know it sounds like some hippie mumbo jumbo, but mercury retrograde is real. Mercury retrograde is an actually astrological event. Mercury's rotations slow down and here on earth it looks as if it is kind of going backwards. It isn't. But what this does is change things in our lives that have to deal with communication or travel. Also, Murphy's law goes into effect.

I particularly hate retrograde. Since I am a Gemini, Mercury is my ruling planet. During these times I would concinder I have experiences similar to those who believe in like Friday the 13th. Everything goes wrong. Communications are screwed up. You plan to go somewhere and they fall though, or your car goes kaput. It's all fair game during retrograde.

I had written previously that I got a denial for my wheelchair. I wrote an appeal letter. Got word that they denied my appeal. What the hell?! For one thing, I know that Teri didn't even send in my medical files for all the things I had asked her for. UGH! Now, in the letter the Family Care Health Plan sent me, said I could have a hearing and sent me the paperwork for that. Well like I can afford that. I am sure Teri wouldn't send in the paperwork for that either. Thanks retrograde!!

I was thinking though about contacting the news. Telling them about the Oregon Health Plan, local medicaid, turning down a wheelchair to a morbidly obese woman who now cannot get to doctor appointments for life threatening conditions. I wonder if that would make a good story to put on tv.

Something has to happen, but maybe it should happen after retrograde. Whatever I decide to do I will do after Mercury has done it's thing and everything is going right as it should.

Homestaw Wunnew

2005-08-08T17:27:00.000-07:00

Which Homestar Runner character are you?

this quiz was made by jurjyfrort
My son turned me onto Homestar Runner
It is an odd site with odd character doing odd things...which means it is totally up my alley. And Homestar speaks like I used to before 2 years of speech therapy. His "r's" sound like "w's", like of like Elmer Fudd. Well it doesn't help that Homestar is totally stupid, but the girl he likes, Marispan, yes like the candy, is really hot...for a feather duster. Check it out. Another time wasting site.

Bable Fish

2005-08-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

You know my fascination with Engrish.com. Well, I am creating my own engrish with Bable Fish
First you type in some text. Then you translate it from English to Japanese. Then you translate that from Japanese to English....hilarity ensues! Here is a post from a Thompson Twins song.
"Hold me now. Warm my heart. Stay with me. Let loving start". And this is the engrish version.
"Now grasp me. Warm my center. Me be restricted. Permit the start which has love." Catchy! I could see why the Thompson Twins chose to sing it in English.

"There was a person from Nantucket where one time ディック was stuck to the bucket. He was strong, but as for him it is not possible to obtain that, that has sexual intercourse what which ", and he so as for him" said." Um, well not quite the rhymic tempo we are used to in limericks such as
"There once was a man from Nantucket whose dick got stuck in a bucket. Although he was stout, he couldn't get it out, so he said "What the hell", and he fucked it."

Why don't you try to create some engrish today. It will give you hours of wasted time enjoyment.

Time won't give me time

2005-08-05T16:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish the the world would just stop revolving and then time would just stand still. But yet I could still do the things I needed to get better. Then when I was all right then the world could start back up again and I wouldn't have kept wasting time. I hate feeling as though I am wasting time getting better. I want it now!! My life is going minute after minute and hour after hour. Each is wasted if I am not better. It pisses me off. Then a roadblock gets thrown in my path. Usually I freak out and cry. I guess we were not blessed with problem solving skills, that's why we are a bunch of addicts, duh! I feel like I am the only one that has to deal with the problem. Keith doesn't help me, it is all put on me to deal with. Especially with forrest. I guess that is why I feel he is so screwed up because I am screwed up and I couldn't help but put that onto him. You parent what you were parented. Like today, I found out that my crappy health plan denied my wheelchair. Hell, they were the ones that wanted me to get the wheelchair because I couldn't make my appointments. How screwed up is that. Talking on the phone to them they told me I could appeal the denial with a letter. So I worked one up, in my usual long-winded way, it is below.

Family Care;

I am writing you in regard of my denial for a wheelchair. I want to appeal this denial, as per my rights as a member of Family Care. I believe I deserve a wheelchair based on my physical impairments. Maybe my FNP, Teri Bunker, didn’t adequately state them, but I will below.

I am morbidly obese, I weight in excess of 500 lbs. At my last recorded weight I was around 524 lbs. I am surely more than that due to immobility. If you ever had to move something very heavy you will understand the strain your body takes just to move very short spaces. This is
the same with me. Every step is hard, strained and painful. I have lost a lot of muscle mass due to inactivity and my muscles just can’t handle the amount of weight it has to move. So, I move less. And it starts a downward spiral: I don’t move because it is too hard which causes me to lose muscle which makes it hard to move so I don’t because it is to hard....etc.

I need to exercise to lose weight, but I need to exercise in a pool. I have arthritis is my knees, hip, and spine and it causes a great deal of pain when I exercise on land. My hip is the worst affected by arthritis. I have to take narcotic pain medication for it. This does little good,
only helping the pain when I don’t move. The medication does nothing for the pain when I move. I have found that water exercise helps reduce the pain. In the pool I am able to move freely with little pain and great benefit. I am not able to do this because I cannot get to the pool because my wheelchair is broken.. If I had a wheelchair I could get to the pool and exercise.

I also need physical therapy because of my lymphadema. I need manual lymph drainage by a licenced physical therapist and haven’t been able to go because of not having a wheelchair. If I had one I could continue going to physical therapy and hopefully get my lymphadema to a
manageable place. This would be cost effective to Family Care. I have been in the hospital 5 times due to celulitis caused by lymphadema. If my lymphadema was managed then Family Care wouldn’t have to incur the cost of the 4-5 day stay at the hospital the next time my lymphadema flairs up because I couldn’t get adequate care (manual lymph drainage) from physical therapy.

I haven’t even begun to discuss the daily implications of having a working wheelchair. I am a food addict. I should be going to OA (Overeaters Anonymous) meetings but can’t because I have no way of getting there. I am a wife and mother and as most women have to do the cooking,
cleaning and shopping for the household. I cannot do these because of not being mobile. This has put an added strain on my husband who now has to cook, clean, shop on top of working a full time job and taking care of me (he takes care of my wounds, puts diapers on my legs, wraps my legs with 8 layers of an ACE like bandage, has to wash my wraps, clothing and bedding every morning due to my incontinence). He is about at the end of his rope and I really do fear for his mental health. He hardly sleeps and has absolutely no personal time for himself. If I had a
wheelchair I could take back these jobs by being able to move around in my wheel chair.

Let’s talk about safety. What would happen if my building had a fire? I couldn’t get out. I can’t walk on my own. Added together, my husband and son don’t even weigh half my weight. How could they get me out? They couldn’t. It seems as though there is a safety violation if I cannot get out of the building. A working wheelchair could provide that.

Let’s look at what I could do if I had a working wheelchair: I could go to my required physical therapy appointments for my lymphadema. I could go to a swimming pool and do water exercises for weight loss and pain control for my arthritis. I could go to OA meetings for my addictions. I could take back my duties of cooking, cleaning and shopping and give my over-worked husband a needed break. A wheelchair would also assist me in getting out of my apartment in case of an emergency. And the most important thing: I could feel independent.
Which I don’t feel like now. I always have to bother someone to get me something because I can’t go get it myself.

Lastly, let’s look at what could happen if I didn’t get a wheelchair: My lymphadema could get worse and I could end up spending a lot of time in the hospital, and quite possibly lose one or both legs. I could become so obese that I am bed bound. I could have many obesity related health problems that would be costly to medicate and treat. I could possibly die of obesity related
healthy problems. All of these scenarios would cost Family Care much more in the long run, than if you would just approve a wheelchair for me now.

I believe all of the above are good arguments why I am a good candidate for a wheelchair. It really is a matter of life or death. I do not want to die. I wouldn’t write and ask you to
reconsider your denial if I weren’t serious in changing my life. A wheelchair is all I am asking for, I will do all the work. I am committed to change if you would just help me out by approving the request for a wheelchair. That is all I am asking.

Acceptance problems

2005-08-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

I just saw on the news where doctors have found a link between obesity and childhood exposure to cigarette smoke. They say that the smoke interfears with the way the body creates insulin which leads to obesity. This is highly interesting. As a child I was constantly in the hospital having ear infections because of all the cigarette smoke. I would get infections and then water would get lodged in my ear and I would get infections from that. Finally it got so bad I need to get tubes put in my ears, but not before temporarily losing my hearing. I would really like to tell my dad that because he was smoking all the damn time I am fat.

Actually, I had a sort of epiphany the other morning. I was laying in my recliner, in that sleepy state between sleep and dreaming and thinking about my mom's funeral. I was wearing a skirt because I never did when she was alive and she always bitched about me not wearing dresses and being feminine. The wind had picked up and I ran a little bit holding the the skirt down. "That's right", I thought "back then I could walk." It was about 2 and a half years ago. "It sucks that I can't walk now". I thought, but then a voice said "Because you just accept that this is the way it is. You accept that you are the way you are because of your genes. You will never change until you tell yourself that you do not accept it."

I understand that. It is something that I am learning from the Dr. Phil tapes. I have to learn to take responsibility, I am not the way I am by chance. Yet it is so hard, like when I hear the report about the cigarette smoke not to blame my fat on that. Yes, there is probably a small contribution, but the majority is me. I eat the food. Nobody is tying me down and forcing food in my mouth. And I am the only one that is gonna change my mindset and my behaviors around food.

Too bad. It really would have pissed my dad off, too.

Internal Dialogue

2005-07-26T16:20:00.000-07:00

In Dr. Phil's TUWS, he wants us to write about what we talk to ourselves about. Here are the categories:

My apperance
My body shape
My ability to manage weight
My exercize level
My self-control
My general health

So here is what I had to say about each of them.
1. My appearance-I think I am average looking.My eyes are the best attribute. I don't like the glass. I would rather wear contacts or have the lazer eye surgery. I wish my skin wasn't so marred and hairy. My hair is thick but way too dark and it doesn't do anything but hang. Overall, not ugly but average. Maybe manish but definatley androgenous.

2.My body shape- Big pear. Round. Soft but with a weight behind it.Proportional and fat.Not bad, I don't hate it, I don't love it. I accept it the way that it is.

3.My ability to manage my weight-I haven't been able to do it. My weight gain has been a steady increase from birth until the present. Diets didn't work because I couldn't stay on them. I hated the feeling of being punished because of the fat. Exercise is definately a key in weight management. It has been the only thing that has stopped the upwards climb, it could never reverse the rise. (Chance)

4.My exercise level- What exercise? I don't exercise even though my body is quickly deteriorating to the point of no mobility. There is too much pain envolved and not enough reason to keep doing it. For my health isn't a good enoufh reason for me because I obviously don't care. (Chance)

5.My self-control- I don't believe in self-control when it comes to eating. Eat what you want till you are full. If it feels goo then do it. There are some socially mandated self-control behaviors I go by- don't kill, don't steal or lie, etc. But when it comes to food- Why? Exercise- Why? (Chance)

6.My general health- Except for my immobility and lymphodema issues, I am in good health. My previous doctor told me that my test results showed numbers that were lower than a healthy, normal weight persons. All my levels -blood sugar, cholesterol, lipids, etc. are normal to low. No diabetes, high blood pressure or other conditions normally associated with obesity. I suffer from arthritis, but it is more genetic than size related. I began having pain in my knee at age 16. (Internal)

The tone of my writing is balanced and critical. I don't beat myself up, yet I am not overtly positive and lifting myself up. The locus of control- I think it shows more Chance attributes because I think my weight is just a part of who I am. I don't think it is bad or wrong to be fat because I am not unhealthy. I feel it is about 70% genetics.

Let's talk about sex!

2005-07-25T19:40:00.000-07:00

So here's a sticky subject. On Saturday I told Keith that I wanted Forrest to spend the weekend at a friend's house because I wanted to be alone with him. He got the idea and our son went over to his friends for the evening. Let's just say that Keith and I had 2 opprotunities to be alone and both of them ended in him enjoying himself and me feeling left behind.

I was extremely upset and started crying (geez, seems like I am doing way too much of that lately) and Keith asked what was wrong. I told him that I was so tired of the same old thing. Every time we are intimate Keith only thinks of himself and doesn't concider my feelings. He said well I didn't know you wanted any.(!) Huh? What does he mean? We haven't slept in the same bed for over a year now (because of the lymphadema. He was afraid of kicking my leg and hurting it). And for a year prior to that, well, it has only been about him. I haven't had any satisfaction for over a year now. Hell, I can't even satisfy myself because of the arthritis.

I told him that this is just another thing that shows me that he doesn't care about me. He has always just cared about himself, only himself. He said well you have to tell me what to do. I said " Keith, how long have we been married? How long have we been having sex? I would think after 16 years you would know. You do know! You just don't care. You just want yours and then you are done". He then said" Well let me do you then". Oh hell no! After Keith has taken care of his business it isn't any use in doing that. There is no passion or fire. It is only "let me hurry up and get this done. Damnit, can't you hurry up?" And heaven forbid if I have some satisfaction before him. He says that if that happens that he then cannot enjoy himself because it feels off. (?) Whatever.

I told him " I feel like I married my mom. You too are just the same. It is always just about you. You have absolutely no idea about me. It is always about you. And it isn't just sex. The only reason why you piss a bitch about having to take care of me because it takes you away from "your time". You can't just do what you want. You actually have to consider another person and it pisses you off."

He still claims he doesn't know how to satisfy me and it just keeps pissing me off. He knows, believe me he knows. He just doesn't care. But arguing with him just doesn't do any good. He just sits there with this perplexed look on his face as if I am asking him to complete the entrance exam for Mensa or something. He really doesn't get it. And in the end, I don't get any.

Weight loss goals

2005-07-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to the audio version of Dr. Phil's ultimate weight loss solution. We are supposed to write our goals. After doing the required work, these are my My measureable and realistic goals.

I will get down to the weight of 182lbs. I am startin at the weight of 562lbs. I will lose 380lbs. I will lose 3lbs. weekly which adds up to 12 lbs. monthly. This means that I will lose the weight in 3 years, 1 month and 3 weeks.
I will eat 3 meals and 2 snacks daily. These meals will be scheduled no more than 3 hours apart. I will eat a total of 1500 calories daily. I will eat30% protien at each meal, 40% carbs at each meal and 30% fat. Each meal will have 400 calories while each snack will have no more than 100.
Each meal I will eat- Breakfast-400 calories-1 protein, 1 starchy carb, 1 low-fat dairy; Snack 1-100 calories-1 protein, 1 fruit; Lunch- 400 calories- 1 protein, 2 non-starchy veggies, 1 starchy carb, 1 fruit; Snack 2- 100 calories- 1 protein, 1 low-fat dairy; Dinner- 400 calories, 1 protein, 2 non-starchy veggies, 1 fat.

I will exersize for 20 minutes daily. Each day I will follow the exercizes given to me by physical therapy which includes the elastic band. Every other day I will practice walking in the hallway without my walker for 10 minutes. I will increase these times as my body can withstand it. No more than monthly and no less than weekly. Exersize time will be increased in increments of 10 minutes each.

Awesome Book!

2005-07-22T15:29:00.000-07:00

While surfing the internet I came upon this book, Atlanta Nights . It sounds awesome! I mean, just listen to this prose:

"Isadore knocked once at the door, and then it at once swung open. The stunning vision inside, an echo of pulchritude in a bright red dress, seemed to take their breath away, it was Penelope Urbain, Bruce Lucent’s longtime and very beautiful girlfriends. Penelope, who had walked in the door of Lucent Software, asking for a job, and a good thing is being that she did, because he had one for her, a position, so to speak, that only a beautiful woman could fulfill, and she filled the role perfectly, as the beautiful girlfriend for those social occasions when he needed to appear on the front page of the newspaper with a beautiful woman on his arm. Everyone looked and thought he was lucky, but it wasn’t just luck it was planning that he fell in love with this beautiful woman and her with him. He gave her his glance and she gave him hers."

That is only just a sampling of the brilliance that Travis Tea concocted in his book. Take a look and be sure to buy a copy or two.

Feeling like ranting a bit

2005-07-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

I am pissed off because for some reason I cannot post any picture on here! I am sure I haven't reached the 300MB we are allowed. I don't know what the problem is, but when I don't get what I want I piss a bitch!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Apart"

he waits for her to understand
but she won't understand at all
she waits all night for him to call
but he won't call anymore
he waits to hear her say
forgive
but she just drops her pearl-black eyes
and prays to hear him say
i love you
but he tells no more lies

he waits for her to sympathize
but she won't sympathize at all
she waits all night to feel his kiss
but always wakes alone
he waits to hear her say
forget
but she just hangs her head in pain
and prays to hear him say
no more
i'll never leave again

how did we get this far apart?
we used to be so close together
how did we get this far apart?
i thought this love would last forever

he waits for her to understand
but she won't understand at all
she waits all night for him to call
but we won't call
he waits to hear her say
forgive
but she just drops her pearl-black eyes
and prays to hear him say
i love you
but he tells no more lies

how did we get this far apart?
we used to be so close together
how did we get this far apart?
i thought this love would last forever
~The Cure

This is how it feels between my husband and I. I didn't realize I was such a horrible person and have hurt him deeply. So deeply that I feel as though he hates me. He won't say he does because, like he says, he doesn't want to tell me how he feels because I am too sensitive and will blow it all out of proportion. Addiction is very self-centered. You only care about one thing, and that is how you are gonna get your fix. You don't care about other people's feelings, hell, someone else isn't even on your radar.

But my husband is the type of person that holds resentments. He has resented people for years and it is just heartbreaking to know that he will feel this way about me for, probably till one of us dies. I don't know what I can do to change his feelings. I don't know if I can, or if he will let his feelings change. Maybe he has just given up. I know the only reason he takes care of me is because he feels he has too. He thinks if he doesn't do it nobody will and then I will die. I mean there are organizations that pay people to take care of the people that need the care. I don't need him. I have told him many times to go, but he will never leave, not because he loves me and wants to stay with me, but because it means he would actually have to do more by living on his own and he doesn't want that.

I wonder what he thinks will happen when I "get better". Everyone keeps telling me that they want me to "get better" and I wonder what that means. To me it means that I was better, got subpar to that, and will be able to get back to that original state. I don't know where these people's heads are! I have never been in any state of "better". Yes, before I got laid up with the lymphadema I was going to college and walking. But, let's just step back and take a realistic look at this. I was walking with the aid of a cane. I could walk no more than 50ft. without needing to sit. I couldn't physically walk for more than a block. I still took the LIFT to places because of not being able to ride in a car. I mean, I still had my addiction, my hip was still screwed up, ,my spine was still twisted and I still had arthritis in every major joint in my body. So, is that "better"? I personally don't see where it is any better. Why don't people just say what they mean. They hope my lymphadema goes away so that I can go to physical therapy and learn to walk and stand upright so I can go to water aerobics and strengthen my muscles and rev up my metabolic rate so that I can lose weight so I can become thin. That is actually what people are thinking but don't have the actual balls to say it.

With the way my husband thinks about me, I can only wonder how my son does. My husband commits the ultimate parental sin and confides in our son about his problems with me. It isn't fair for a 15 year old to have to deal with his father's feelings about his wife, plus his own feelings about his mother's disability. I can see counseling down the road for him and I am truly sorry for that, ghee. I really didn't mean for it to happen this way at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In November I am going to participate in NaNoWriMo 2005
I have 4 different stories to choose from.

The first is about the aliens sending dreams to those earthlings who are ready to evolve and how to do it. But some of these dreams get to the wrong people who try to with really nasty results. Big business takes over and tries to force evolution and it is up to a team of the evolved to stop them.
Then we have a story loosely based on the relationship between me and my friend who has a mental disability. It involves drugs, crime, sex and eventually a murder. Can the protagonist continue the way she is or does she eventually have to come to the realization that maybe the boy next door isn't quite what he seems.
Next a story about the souls's struggle to survive. At birth the soul splits and finds a new home in an unsuspecting girl. Strange dreams and occurances eventually lead her to the hospital where a realization happens. Right to life and death with dignity themes are the basis of this story.

Lastly, in my life there has been some pretty freaky occurances. I want to wrangle up about 10 of them and short story them. I have predicted family and friends untimely deaths, spoken with a rockstar after he commited suicide and have encountered many a ghost.

So, which one should I write about? I have to write 50,000 words in a month. I will be blogging it so everyone can read and hopefully give feedback and constructive critisism. Watch this space for more details.

Summer breeze, makes me feel..sick to my stomach

2005-07-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

Seriously! I hate summer. It pisses me off watching the news and the weathernerd giving the day a "10!" because it is so increadibly ball-numbingly hot! Why in Hades do people like to be sweaty and sticky? It's not sex people! It isn't the good sweaty and sticky. I feel like the shel silverstein poem,
It's hot !

I can't get cool.

I've drunk a quart of lemonade.

I think I'll take my shoes off

And sit around in the shade.

It's hot!

My back is sticky,

The sweat rolls down my chin.

I think I'll take my clothes off.

Any sit around in my skin.

It's hot!

I've tried with 'lectric fans.

And pools and ice cream cones.

I think I'll take my skin off

And sit around in my bones.

It's still hot....

If it is cold, you can put clothes on, but, as the poem attests, you can take off your skin and still be hot. So, why do people like it so damn hot!?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My father called. My father only calls when he wants to find out where my brother is. He has a relationship with my brother and not with me. He doesn't like me because I am fat. Whenever he talks to me he has to ask me how much I weigh. I don't see what my weight has anything to do with it. Would he love me more if I weighed less? I don't think so. He doesn't have a relationship with me because I remind him of my mother. Well, both my brother and I do, but me much more than my brother. He has a problem with strong women, he is gutless and balless around them. He can't stand up for himself. He also doesn't like me much because I accused my step brother of raping me while I lived with my father and my step mother. I mean, yeah at the time I was a slut, but I was in control in who I had sex with. I didn't want sex with my step brother, but I didn't know how to stop it. I didn't know if he would hurt me or say something to my dad or what. So I went along with it, hating every bit of it. At one point, he involved a neighbor. I was locked inside the neighbor's house and was forced to do everything the woman on the porn video they were watching did. Of course it was an anal video. I had to have both of them inside me at the same time. I had tennis rackets inserted into orafices to see how deep they went. I was whipped with electrical cords and literally walked on. Yet, when I spoke to my dad about this, and the subsiquent pregnancy happened, he informed me that I was lying. I told him that the girl that he was foster parenting told me that it started happening to her as well. His response was that she was a slut and was bringing it on herself. So because I told my father about the abuse and rape at the hands of my step brother, my father won't talk to me anymore.

While I was talking on the phone with him he blurted out "I'm sorry!" I asked him what he was sorry about. He told me that my brother had told him that I get upset when he calls because it isn't to talk to me but to ask about my brother. Damn! I wish I could have told him what I really felt! I really just kick myself in the ass when I think about it. But, you know, it just really doesn't matter. If he doesn't believe me when I tell him what really happens in my life, he really isn't going to believe me when I tell him how his actions make me feel. I have basically just removed him from my life. The only reason I take the phone call is because he had a job offer for my brother, and I care for my brother.

He also mentioned something about my weight. He said the only reasons why he asks is because he would feel horrible if something happend to me because of my weight. Yeah, he is concerned about it. Let me just throw something out there: If everyone who was so damned concern about my weight put a couple of bucks in a pot and grew it for a while, there would be enough money to put me in a bariatric hospital where I could get the help I need. But, this is all just lip service to me. Because to me actions speak louder than words, and their inaction tells me that they would rather just see me die due to obesity related complications that actually get off their asses and help me. And I mean EVERYONE...including my husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So I have been working with Dr. Phil's audio tapes on changing my behaviors around food. He says that I have to find the things that are keeping me from doing the things I am supposed to do, challenge the beliefs and if they are not valid, then develope new ones and begin incorporating those into my life.

Yesterday my husband went all ballistic on me. He said that it didn't matter if I am changing my eating because I am not doing the exercises that I am supposed to be doing. And he is right, I am not. But, I have this thing that holds me back from doing them. So I have been delving into my psyche and trying to figure out what it is. I have come up with some interesting things. Just so you know, I am a person that spends most of her time trying to keep me away from myself. Ya know, the eating is part of that. I eat so that I don't have to deal with emotions from looking at the deep parts of myself and possibly change. So not using food in that way has allowed me to be able to look deeper and have feelings come up more readily.

How I feel about dieting and eating healthy. Well as I have stated before, I have never had a problem with the way my body was. I had acknowleged that I was fat. I am fine with it. People, on the other hand were not. People told me how fat I was, how disgusting the fat was, how unworthy of love and acceptance I was because of the fat, and how I was never going to get the things I wanted because I didn't deserve it because of the fat. It was other people putting me on diets, a punishment for my body being fat. A way to make themselves feel right, in punishing the fat little girl who was ok with her body. Healthy food is a source of humiliation for me. It brings up bad feelings, guilt, and self-loathing. Like because I was fat I couldn't eat the foods I enjoy, so here, eat this disgusting broccoli because you don't deserve to enjoy the food. So I don't associate healthy food with good health and taking care of myself. I associate it with punishment and feeling bad about myself.

The same is true for exercise. When I was a young girl in school, PE was hell for me. The time of the day I dreaded the most. It was the time that didn't matter if I was the smartest kid in the class and teacher's favorite. It was the time that the kids could pick on the fat kid. I hated duck, duck, goose or any variations of the game because I spent the whole time running in a circle. The kids knew to pick me because they knew I could never run quick enough to catch them. And if by some miracle I did, I would just be picked "goose" again and be stuck running. Another one was dodge ball. At least I was out first. It just didn't feel good to be hit with those red balls. The kids knew I couldn't move my fat body enough to dodge the balls, I was an easy target. Oh, don't forget the Presidential exercise tests. How many sit ups can you do in a minute? Push ups? Pull ups? Running? Etc. I was always last or lowest. The PE teacher "tsk, tsking" me as they wrote down my scores. Or the humiliation I felt always being picked last for anything athletic. So exercize to me is all tangled up with feelings of being inadiquet and being humiliated, low self esteem and like a chore. I don't feel energized or good. When I do exercize I always feel like a child being punished rather than an adult taking care of herself.

I named it, now I have to claim it and change it. It will take some time. I just hope my hubby can give me some time. It has taken my 34 years to get like this and to have all these barriers and psychological walls built up. I just can't remove them all in a day and be all fine. I am working daily on myself because I know that I have to change. I don't want to be dead before 40.

Sometimes what you do isn't enough

2005-07-13T17:57:00.000-07:00

I am a big believer in doing what you can to help others. And I walk my talk. I am a member of different orgs, the one I am most proud of is of MADD
They help change legislature in cases of driving under the influences. I am sure we all know someone who is and addict. I am an addict. My father is an addict. My mother was an addict, she died in 2002 of an overdose. My brother is an addict. And it is him who I cannot help.

My brother is currently homeless. He was living with my mother when she died. It was a major upheaval in his life. Not because his mother was gone, but because he actually had to begin doing something. He didn't have a job and was just living off my mom. She on disability because she had injured her back at work 5 years prior to her death. She had many mental health problems that the livelong addiction didn't help. My brother has this as well. Sometimes I wonder if he doesn't have a portion of his brain missing due to his being born drug affected. When he was a newborn he had to kick the amphetamines my mom used throught her pregnancies. She always felt sorry for my brother so she coddled him and that didn't help him any. Especially since she died.

Once she died my brother moved in with us. It wasn't the first time we had have him live with us, and it wouldn't be the last. At this time he was deep in the clutches of an opiate addiction, he still is but it was worse then. He also was a marijuana user since the early teens. He would snort his pills instead of injesting them. He would lie and cheat his way out of everything, even things he didn't have to. It was terrible having a person like that living with us. I felt bad that my son had do live seeing that everyday. I was in denial about what he was feeling and seeing with my own addiction, though. But that is usually how those things happen.

It wasn't till over a year ago that we finally got together and kicked him out. It was for his own good. Him staying with us wasn't helping him. He is the kind of person that want's others to do everything for him. He even told me once he wished he had AIDS or a cancer so he could just sit back and have the state pay him and all he had to do was party all day and night untill he passed. Pretty sad.

About a 2months ago he found himself homeless. Again we stated our position in him not living with us. Due to his addiciton he cannot realize why people don't like him to live with him. He cannot see how he really is. He came back in contact with my dad and moved in with him. He will do anything, manipulate any one to get what he wants. That didn't work out. So about a month ago he decided to adimit himself to a mental hospital.

I thought this was it! He is gonna get the help he needs and the services that will help him get it. I tried to stress to him how important it is to be honest with these people. But, he wasn't and got no help at all. My brother thinks he is intelligent. He thinks he can put one over on everyone. He thought if he just went in there, doing what he usually does he would get put on SSI and his life would be peachy. Well, they saw right through him and kicked him out after a couple of days. He was back where he started.

This hurts me tremendously. I want to take him under my wing and give him a place to stay and tell him I will help him find stuff and that everything will be ok. But I can't. I know that will not do any good. I feel a resentment towards my husband and son because they keep me up to date with that fact. They know so much more than I. I fall into my roll of protector and enabler. It's what I know. But I am trying to change my behaviors. So I can't do that. I support him by listening to him and letting him know when he has done good by following through on the things he is supposed to do to help himself. When he talks about the drugs or stealing I ignore him. I don't know what else to do. I have told him a million times those things are bad and wrong and I won't condone them. I guess I figure if I don't have anything nice to say I won't say anything.

Today he came to visit. He told me about sleeping in the park and having to steal toothpaste to brush his dentures. He is on a waiting list for an agency that will help get him temporary housing. He only has 55 more spaces left to wait till he is on the top of the list. For me, it can't come soon enough.

2005-07-11T17:36:00.000-07:00

"Who said 'You do not like it?'" Um, it wasn't me! This is from Engrish.com
It is the funniest site, ever! Please don't accuse me of being racist, because I am not. There is just something lost in the translation between these languages and English. Everyday I get a belly laugh from visiting and reading.

Photo copyright 2005 engrish.com

Scary Pain

2005-07-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

I had one this morning. See, because I cannot sleep on a regular bed I have to sleep in a recliner. And because I cannot get out of the recliner by myself, I usually end up wetting on myself. It is truely disgusting to live in an environment of diapers, plastic bags ( to try and keep the pee of the fabric) and pee pads all over the furniture. I truly wish this life on no one.

Anyway, so, I am have asleep and urniating and I get this extreme pain in my abdomen. Well, since it is so large it is hard to pinpoint exactly where. But it is around my bellybutton region. The pain is sharp and takes my breath away. It continues, stabbing and waves of pain begin. Swirling throughout my whole stomach area. I try to breath as if I am in labor thinking maybe this will help the pain. At least hoping it will keep me from having a panick attack. This pain is so bad I feel it in my vagina!(why?) Finally after close to 15 minutes the pain has subsided. I am breathing normally but notice now the area is tender to the touch and to movement. It hurts turning and walking and sitting. I have been in pain, not as bad as the first attack, all day. Every so often I will get a wave of pain in my stomach. I don't have a fever or anything else that might be bad. Well, I guess pain isn't that great.

I am scared about it. Normal people would say " get ye to the hospital, or at least to your doctors". Which is what normal people would do. Did I ever say I was normal? I think I've written about my doctor, not doctor, my LNP. Plus, I can't get to her office because it isn't big enough for my wheelchair. Which I can't get in my wheelchair now because it is broken. It doesn't even fit. I have sores and scares on my ass where the wheels cut into the skin because I ride right on the wheels due to it beging a normal size and me not.

And let's not even talk about hospitals. I've had enough hospital to last me a lifetime, thanks. Besides my body is to the point that I cannot get up on the gerny and I cannot get in their hellish beds. So if I do have to stay in the hospital I don't know how in the hell they could treat me. No hospital that I have been to is equiped to deal with someone my size, usually they are all dead.

So I will just sit here in pain, panting through my mouth praying that it will all work out in the end. If I never finish this blog, at least you will know why.

Nutraweet , but is it too sweet for me.

2005-07-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

This is what I am trying to figure out. I am on my, oh hell, my nine millionth day without sugar. it isn't that long, but it sure feels like it. And i am going through withdrawls. it is strange. i didn't really think i would go through physical withdrawls. i thought it would only be psychological, and i have that. like wanting to strangle everyone. wanting to cry at the drop of the hat. especially when i think of how screwed up my life is. well i should say, how much i screwed up my life. it really hurts me badly when i see my life and think " i did this all. through my actions i did this all." i put us through 2 bankruptcys!!! jesus! i could see maybe if i had a really bad smack habit, but just food! man, i had a really bad ding dong habit! i am struggling with how stupid it sounds when i say that i am addicted to food. it is like i am not worthy to be listed with all the other addicts because my addiction isn't as bad. but it is, really. i have destoyed my families finances, dreams and emotions because of my actions.

So i figure, well if i can't have sugar i can have sugar substatutes. but i am trying to figure out if this is just as bad. does my mind think it is sugar and then i fall into old behaviors. chemically it isn't the same, but if my brain thinks it is, well i am sol.

I would really like to get to some OA meetings. I acknowlege that my life has become out of control and unbearable. I realize that I need help and cannot do it by myself. Yet, here i go, yet another thing wrong with me, i have social disorder. I would rather slit my wrists than be with others. that is one of the reasons that i continue to stay fat. if i am fat no one will want to talk to me i am the apitomy of societal fears. what society says is bad and to be avoided at all costs is what i am. children, when polled would rather lose a limb than be fat. so, in order not to have to converse with others i remain fat. it is my soft, fluffy sheild.

My name is Jamica and I am a sugaraholic.

2005-07-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

Well I am. But it sounds so corny to say so. I mean, you think of all those people who are addicted to alcohol and drugs that are just ravaging their minds and body. It is killing them. They try for years and years to kick yet the urge is just too strong. That is addiction. Those are junkies. Yet, I am the same. The only difference is that I am killing myself with sugary foods.

I have never been a "normal" sized person. From the time I was born at 9lb. 3 oz. till now at over 500lbs. I have been big. I have been on diets, and never have lost any more than water weight. The only time I haven't gained weight was the couple of years when I was in middle school. I participated in dance class. It was either dance or p.e. Well, ya know, being a fatty there was no way you were going to get me into p.e. I had delt with physical education for the past 6 years of school. This was my chance to get out of the spiral of shame and self-defeat you feel by being picked last and failing all the required physical tests every year. You know the ones, how many pushups and sit ups and you do in a minute? How many pull ups? How far can you stretch? Actually, I did the best at the stretching one because I was born very limber, ha! A fat limber girl. Doesn't really get you much though. So I took dance for 2 years. I liked/hated it. Some instructors were good, some sucked. One put me back a year because I was too fat and couldn't jump as high as she wanted me to. Fine. I didn't have to take p.e.

During that time I didn't lose or gain weight. I just stayed. I am also blessed with height. So, if you look at pictures of me then, I actually look pretty damned good! But, you put me next a friend of mine who is the same age, and it is "who is that fat ugly girl there?" You get the picture. People who meet me now cannot imagine me dancing. I guess it is because they imagine me at this size dancing. Ya! If I could, I would. I would belly dance probably. I know the larger you are , the better you dance. Well, I would be a fricken barishikov!

First, let me tell you something you will probably not understand. Most people don't when I tell them. It is incomprehensible to the majority of most people. We are bombarded of images of beautiful women with pre-pubescent bodies and telling them, either outright or subliminally that this is the way you should be. I have never bought into that bs. I have never looked at my body and said " you make me sick! You are disgusting!" I have never looked at people, and wished I had their body instead of mine. I have always accepted my body. I have accepted that I have hazel eyes, brown hair, lots of beauty marks and am fat.

You only have to look at my family to see why I am fat. I am blessed with it from each of my parents' families. My mothers family are britsh and portugese. They are short and compact. They hold their weight very well. They look nothing like what they are supposed to weigh. Yet, their bodies are very dense. You would never guess I am my weight. You would know I am large, yet you would constantly put my weight much lower than what it is if you were guessing my weight. On my fathers side everyone are giants. My dad is 6'4" and my grandfather was 6'7". I actually get my wide hips from this side of the family. So putting the two sides together I am tall and can hold my massive weight compactly on my large frame.

I guess I just figured that I couldn't change genetics. And the only times I dieted was when my mother put me on one. She was the one with body image problems. She pushed her problems on me and called me names and belittled me for eating. So, when she got all fed up with herself she would put us on a diet. I had radishes. Especially when that is all you eat for weeks. Or grapefuit. Or downing pep pills or cocaine.

What I do have a problem with is how others see my body. And here is where a misnomer sets in. I have heard that if you like yourself then it doesn't matter what others think of you. I think that is a bunch of bs. You do not live your life in a vaccum. Everything you do, think, say, feel is a result of someone else. If you get a job depends on someone else. What kind of clothes you wear depends on someone else. Either directly or indirectly everything is influenced by others. If you have this immense wave of fear, hatred, disgust bombarding you everyday of your life you are bound to be influenced by it no matter how much you like yourself. No matter what kind of force field you try to surround yourself with. No matter how much psychobabble you try to defend yourself with (boy, they must really hate themselves to try and put me down, etc.).No matter what, it influences you.

A child live what it learns. If he constantly hears his parents calling him stupid, he is eventually going to believe he is stupid. he is gonna act stupid, he is going to say stupid things and he is going to be stupid. The child isn't stupid but if he doesn't hear otherwise and is bombarded day after day with with the adults accusations he will eventually become what they believe of him.

I fight the good fight everyday. I still don't think my body is disgusting. I like my curves. My skin is soft. My body has a certain weight to it, you know it is there. Yet, I don't have a job. Why? I don't know. Ask the people who don't hire me. They will tell you that I don't have enough qualifications. Maybe the position had priviously been filled. Or maybe, just maybe they don't want a fat person working for them. Remember, I am not chubby, cute fat. I morbidly, oh-my-god-look-at-her-fat. Peoples' reactions to me, and to their own fears influence me everyday.

But you know what? I hate addicts! I do. I hate them. They are sooooo self-absorbed. Only thinking about them and their next fix. how to get it. where they will shoot up. how it will feel. all that. so all about themselves. but i too am an addict. i feel like i have let the feelings of others push me into being an addict. and oh that's such a lie. there is nothing we do that we don't let ourselves do. then why do i do it. why am i trying to kill myself? why do i hate myself so much that i am trying to wipe myself out? but why don't I just get it over with and take all my methadone pills at once? cuz I am a coward. that is all.

I so ronery

2005-06-28T17:13:00.000-07:00

Not only am I lonely, I am totally heartbroken. Today I found out that what I thought..just as a lark, was actually true. That my husband and son have just been waiting for me to die. They have totally given up emotionally on me. I guess it doesn't mean that they don't love me but it sure does feel like it. To me it seems if you love someone you don't just say "oh well, she is trying to kill herself and there is nothing we can do about it so we may as well let her. And help her."

A little back story. I am an addict, a food addict. I have been severely in my addiction since my son has been born. And he is 15 years old now. I weigh upwards of 500lbs. I really don't know how much since the scale I can get on doesn't go past that much. So besides my lymphadema, I am a fat assed loser. I haven't worked since my son was born so we are poor. I tell ya, I am such a catch.

But my hubby stayed with me. He claims he loves me. I believe though that actions speak louder than words. He knows that I have been trying for years to deal with my addictions. I have gone to OA and done different diets and such. People are real big on suggesting the gastric bypass surgery. Well I know that even if I had the surgery it doesn't do anything for my addiction. I would still have the same food issues and behaviors. I knew that was what needed to change.

Then I found Dr.Phil and the 7 keys to weight loss freedom http://www.drphil.com . Here I knew there was something. He stresses finding just those problems, dealing with them, and learning new behaviors. I was so psyched! But, when it came time to talking to my husband he dropped the bombshell. He told me that he and my son had decided long ago that if I wanted to kill myself with food that they would let me. The would just try and keep me happy until then. So that's why whatever sweet thing I wanted from the store, mind you I am too damn fat to leave the apartment and haven't been out in months, they would bring it to me. I guess just sating me untill I drop dead of a heart attack or blood clot in the lung.

Then he said he wasn't going to let me blame him for my being fat. I told him if he kept giving me sweets that it is just like him giving me a gun? If I was a dope addict he wouldn't go and buy me my next fix, but it is ok to get me a candy bar? He said he just couldn't put up with me bitching when he wouldn't bring it home. Yeah I did bitch, but was he so much of a wimp that he couldn't handle it?

I told him that I will never succeed in my weight loss because I have nobody behind me for support. No one that cares about my health and well being who will be there when the times are tough and I need someone to talk to. I mean, I have no family out side of him, my son and my brother who is himself a drug addict. I have no friends because when you hate yourself so much you spend a lot of time hating yourself and not much time liking others. So who am I supposed to turn to?

I just feel so horrible. I cannot keep from crying. What hurts the most is knowing that my own son feels like that towards me. My little boy. I remember holding him when he was a baby and kissing his soft skin. I remember his hugs and the warm feeling and the feelings of protection I had for him.

Now I hate the way I feel. I feel betrayed by him. I feel mad at myself for making him feel this way. I feel mad at my husband who always has to bring our son into our problems and get him on his side against me. I just feel lost.

The sickness prevails

2005-06-24T16:04:00.000-07:00

Yes..my legs still drip. I try not to let it get me down but I cannot help it. Stress will increase the likelyhood of infection, and I would say that I have been pretty stressed lately. About 4 days ago I found my PC had been infected with a Trojan and a virus. So I have been working daily on trying to rid them and their effects from my computer. It isn't easy since I am totally computer illiterate. I mean, I am point and go. I want to turn the computer on and use it. I don't know about backups and updates and protection. Yeah, I know it is like having sex with a lot of different guys and not using protection and just hoping you don't get some sort of STD. But I guess I just never wanted to take the time to learn about this stuff. I am a Gemini, we get bored easily. It is better just to let someone else deal with it. Well, unfortunately no one else in my household knows about computers or viruses or anything else like that, so it is either learn or pay someone else to do it.

So I have been getting some good help from the Geeks at http://www.geekstogo.com. There is a whole section on if you suspect some malware on your computer what you should do. I was really happy with a nifty little device that cleaned my hard drive and removed 1Gig of unused and unneeded stuff. I mean, 1Gig!! You get personalized advice and I although everything hasn't been taken care of I am hoping that with the help of these pros everything will turn out just fine.

Why don't you visit the Geeks and see if there is anything they could help you with today.

photo copyright 2005 Keith R. Cain

Sickness...it seems to be a running theme lately

2005-06-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

Last year I was going to school studying to be an alcohol and drug abuse councelor when I found myself in the hospital with a diagnosis of cellulitis due to lymphodema. My right lower leg blew up to at least twice it's normal size and had developed a hole to let the stagnent lymphatic fluid drain out since it had no other way to get out of my leg. Because of the nature of the lymphatic fluid and the hole in my leg, I got an infection and became very sick. I had a staph infection and my body was in septic shock. I stayed in the hospital for 5 days on fluids and IV antibiotics because my infection was so bad.

Since then I have been in the hospital 4 more times, all for the same thing and my leg hasn't gotten any better even with MLD, wrapping and pumping. I sit her writing now with an infection in said leg, luckily not bad enough to go to the hospital, taking a weak antibiotic (the only kind my cheap ass insurance will pay for) and praying it doesn't get any worse.

Learn more about Lymphodema here http://www.lymphodema.net .

Now my life is totally different. My right leg has many open sores that leak lymphatic fluid. My left leg is the same. Because of having to sit with my legs up I cannot walk anymore and have to walk with the aid of a walker. This this is $400 and is giving out. I am scared because it will be giving out soon and how will I walk? I mean literally, I have to throw myself over this and scoot myself down the hall because I can't take normal steps. I can't stand up straight anymore. I am a tall woman, about 5'11", you would never know it to look at me because I stand at a little more than a 100 degree angle. And the thing that hurts the worst is that no one cares.

I have no doctor, just a FNP who couldn't care less about me and she is the freaking head of the FNP board in our state!!! How can that be?! Instead of her coming in and saying "WEll what can I do for you today?" she literally comes in and says "what are you here for?". And when I tell her my problems she says "what do you want me to do about it?". I mean come on, you are the supposed medical professional and I am coming to you with my complaints don't you think you should know what you are supposed to do about it? I mean, I could be a real meannie and say something really bad back to her but that would just be stooping to her level and between you and I , I am way better than that. So she does nothing for my care.

I was going to a physical thereapist for Manual Lymph Drainage massage but they have given up on me because I keep getting worse and they are just making fools of themselves. When I first went they were all like "your gonna get better if you just follow the plan". Well I did, my husband did, my son did and my legs got worse. It isn't anyone's fault that I have a screwed up body (I think I am a mutant due to my mom's drug abuse but more on that later). It just doesn't do what it is supposed to, I have lived with it for 34 years and know this is true. So when they couldn't get the results they wanted they just dropped me. So there is aboslutely no one taking care of my lymphodema. This, friends is a condition where I could lose my legs...or my life!

Then there is my health insurance. Here in Oregon our ex-Govenor Kitshaber screwed up our Medicaid so more people can get on it. He got rid of coverage for some covered conditions. Like if you get something in your eye, it isn't covered for a doctor to remove it. If you get the flu, it isn't covered to get shots. With less covered conditions, more people, one's that didn't previously qualify for Medicaid nowqualify for this new insurance. It is now called the Oregon Health Plan (OHP). I am on this because of being disabled.

I have arthritis in about every major joint in my body. I live with pain daily.My left hip is so bad that I need a hip replacement. The problem is, I am too young. I have to wait another 30 years for one because hip replacements only last between 6-8 years. That is why they only give them to the elderly. Nice huh? I have to live in pain till I am 64. The only thing that ever worked on my pain was Vioxx, but we all know what happened to that. So the only pain medicine the OHP will pay for is Methadone. So, we all become junkies in OHP eyes, and that is ok with that.

Well because I was in the hospital 5 times and that must have cost a pretty penny I get a call from a representative from my health care weekly. Eileen calls and makes sure I am doing everything I am supposed to do like taking my anti-biotics which I will be on the rest of my life (see me dying from a cut on my finger because my body is so used to antibiotics that a tiny cut and subsequent infection will cause a mortal infection in me) going to the doctors and going to my therapists. She doesn't care how my leg is, just that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. She doesn't help any, she just very nicely threatens me weekly. I can't get dumped off of the insurance because of being on disability so they have to put up with me, but I guess they dont' have to be nice about it.

So everyday is the same. I can't sleep in a bed because it hurts my joints so I sleep half the night sitting up in the couch and the rest of the night in my recliner. The reason I have to do the half/half is because I cannot move around in my recliner and it isn't good for my body to be unmoveable for a whole night. So my day begins by getting up, cleaning my leg, putting the diapers on (yeah on my legs, the diapers are the only thing absorbant enough to sop up all the lymph fluid....yeah, and diapers aren't covered under the insurance either), wrapping my leg and then the rest of the day sitting. I am trying to create beautiful pieces of jewelrey and sell it, with proceeds going to my favorite causes, but it is hard to keep going every day.

I try and try and get upset because everyday is the same and everyday I get nowhere.